


This Text Chat Group Will End Us All: Part V

by Cutthroat In Carolina (Illmerica), Illmerica



Series: I Can't Believe It's Not! another textchat series [5]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, No Spoilers, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-20 13:33:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11336535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illmerica/pseuds/Cutthroat%20In%20Carolina, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illmerica/pseuds/Illmerica
Summary: femmefatal:but, butAngie-chan!! why arent you on TEAM TENKO????femmefatal:is it bc of Shinguuji? bc Tenko will get rid of any boy that gets between Tenko and her girlsfemmefatal:NO ONE WILL EVER FIND ALL YOUR PIECES TWIG MANspacejam:WOAH WOAH WOAHWine Aunt™:DO YOU REALLY THINK SHELL JOIN YOUR TEAM IF YOU KILL HER SIDE PIECE???





	This Text Chat Group Will End Us All: Part V

**Author's Note:**

> Kaede Akamatsu — **Baethoven**  
>  Rantaro Amami — **AMarySue**  
>  Tenko Chabashira — **femmefatal**  
>  Gonta Gokuhara — **Gonta**  
>  Maki Harukawa — **tsundon't**  
>  Ryoma Hoshi — **Just (Stop)**  
>  Kiibo Idabashi — **K11-B0**  
>  Miu Iruma — **Wine Aunt™**  
>  Kaito Momota — **spacejam**  
>  Kokichi Ouma — **dabs ex machina**  
>  Shuichi Saihara — **panic!everyday**  
>  Tsumugi Shirogane — **lawlight**  
>  Korekiyo Shinguuji — **slenderman♡**  
>  Kirumi Toujou — **Real Mom™**  
>  Angie Yonaga — **✨angel✨**  
>  Himiko Yumeno — **naibsel**
> 
> **Reading the other parts of this series isn't necessarily needed to read this one, but you'll probably want to fully understand context and also read some Good Crack Shit™**

**Gonta:** Gonta normally isn’t one to start these conversations but he, Kiibo-kun, and Iruma-san cannot agree, and he doesn’t want to end this conversation without coming to a conclusion! So a poll between his other friends is necessary!

 **Baethoven:** Um, Gonta sweetie? Why are you and Kiibo hanging out with Iruma? Is she trying to convince you to watch...inappropriate things?

 **Baethoven:** Just because she claims they’re educational doesn’t mean they are!

 **Wine Aunt™:** calm down tittymatsu we werent watching porn

 **Wine Aunt™:** tho i would definitely be up for that l8r ;) ;) ;)

 **Gonta:** Gonta would like to politely refuse!

 **K11-B0:** I AGREE

 **Wine Aunt™:** well you guys are just no fun

 **spacejam:** i thought you were over this orgy thing iruma

 **Wine Aunt™:** NEVER I WILL _NEVER_ BE OVER IT

 **Wine Aunt™:** I WANT MY ORGY DAMMIT AND ONE DAY I _WILL_ GET IT

 **Maid to Serve:** Not while I stay on this chat you won’t. We have rules here, Iruma-san, and I’m not afraid to enforce them.

 **Wine Aunt™:** oh cmon mom just ONCE

 **Wine Aunt™:** one _teeny tiny_ orgy??

 **Maid to Serve:** Not under my roof.

 **dabs ex machina:** bish,, thats MY mom youre talking to here

 **dabs ex machina:** i called her 1st get your own mom!!

 **Wine Aunt™:** oh fuck you!!! ill have whtvr mom i want!

 **Maid to Serve:** Play nice children, or you’ll both be grounded.

 **dabs ex machina:** yes mom

 **Wine Aunt™:** fine

 **Wine Aunt™:** but im not doing my chores in protest

 **Baethoven:** Uhm, right…

 **Baethoven:** Anyway! Gonta-kun, you said you wanted to poll us all about something? What were you, Kiibo-kun, and Iruma-san talking about then?

 **Gonta:** Alright! So, Gonta was watching the newest episode of _Go Go Insect Rangers!!_ with Kiibo-kun and Iruma-san like we do each week. It was very much a fun episode, and Gonta was very pleased to see it was centered around his favorite ranger, Katydid Ranger!

 **Gonta:** Katydids are also known as bush crickets, and they’re very special bugs! They’re North American insects, and they’re notable for the debate on how a significant number of them deviate from the normal green coloring to be yellow, orange, and even bright pink! Very important entomologists of the past have debated on the use for being these bright colors, but it’s undeniable that they’re incredibly unique!

 **Gonta:** And to Gonta’s delight, _Go Go Insect Rangers!!_ uses the bright pink version for Katydid Ranger! She is definitely Gonta’s favorite character!!

 **Wine Aunt™:** yeah she's a pretty bomb ass bitch

 **K11-B0:** I PERSONALLY PREFER MOTH RANGER AND BEE RANGER BUT MUST ADMIT THAT KATYDID RANGER IS RATHER COOL TOO

 **spacejam:** thats nice and all gonta but what does that have to do with some poll

 **Baethoven:** Excuse you! If Gonta wants to talk about his favorite character then you will shut up and listen to him for as long as he wants to talk, young man!

 **spacejam:** youre not even my real mom!!

 **AMarySue:** well yeah

 **AMarySue:** thats bc akamatsu is a mom friend and toujous a real mom

 

 **_AMarySue_ ** _changed_ **_Maid to Serve_ ** _to_ **_Real Mom_** ** _™_ **

 

 **Real Mom** **™:** Was that truly necessary?

 **AMarySue:** i think ive made my point

 **Baethoven:** Maybe so, but you’re _also_ interrupting Gonta-kun here, Amami-kun, so hush and listen up. Don’t make me come over there!

 **AMarySue:** why,,, do you only like to threaten _me???_

 **AMarySue:** im just a simple avacado, trying to live his simple avacado life

 **AMarySue:** go be mean to ouma like all the other girls do

 **dabs ex machina: @AMarySue** um rude

 **dabs ex machina:** youre lucky youre so cute amami-chan otherwise i wouldnt put up with this abuse

 **femmefatal:** Tenko will be mean to any menace its just that Ouma is the most annoying menace of all so he gets Tenkos meanness priority

 **tsundon’t:** If you wanted me to plot how to best murder you in your sleep like I do with Ouma then I will, Amami. You just had to ask.

 **AMarySue: @dabs ex machina** and you think youre abused

 **dabs ex machina:** IM the one shes already planned to murder!!

 **Real Mom** **™:** What did I say about playing nice?

 **tsundon’t:** I’d hardly call it mean if he dies too fast to truly suffer.

 **AMarySue:** id rather not die at all personally

 **AMarySue:** is that still an option?

 **tsundon’t:** No. You’ve already tempted me with the idea, you can’t take it away from me now. I’m too attached.

 **AMarySue:** well damn

 **AMarySue:** guess ill die ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **spacejam:** cmon harumaki you cant kill him, hes a good ouma buffer for when no one else wants to put with his twink ass

 **dabs ex machina:** excuse you i am TWUNK alright that is a combination ‘twink’ and ‘hunk’

 **✨angel✨:** angie thinks you couldn’t lift a box a tissues if they werent already empty from the start so you better just stick with twink

 **slenderman♡:** If the tables here weren’t noticeably shorter than average he wouldn’t be able to reach the tissues, either.

 **dabs ex machina:** NOBODY ASKED MOANA OR GERARD WAY NOW DID THEY

 **dabs ex machina:** besides!! you were hardly a favorite in the harem to begin with shinguuji so really your loss to mona lisa over there isnt too bad

 **dabs ex machina:** now that you 2 are off doing blood sacrifices naked under the moonlight together or whatever you do for dates i have more time to devote to the REAL harem members!!

 **slenderman♡:** I am paralyzed with pain from your crushing rejection, Ouma-kun.

 **slenderman♡:** Oh wait. No, I’m not.

 **Wine Aunt™:** HO HOOOO!!!!!! GET MUTHA _FUCKED_ BITCH

 **spacejam:** high five me my fellow former-harem brotha!! freedom, amiright??

 **slenderman♡:** I think I will pass.

 **AMarySue:** ouch

 **✨angel✨:** OKAY, buuuuut!!!!! :3 :3 :3 angie doesn’t understand why everyone thinks you have to have moonlight for these things!! angie will do blood sacrifices ALL day EVERY day!!!

 **spacejam:** thats nice and all ang but like arent you gonna deny the naked part

 **✨angel✨:** >:3

 **panic!everyday:** i might be a detective but i’d like there to remain some mysteries in my life and this is one of them

 **panic!everyday:** i am, however, curious about the heart you have there, Shinguuji-kun. did i miss you changing that or something?

 

 **_makoharu_ ** _changed their username to_ **_lawlight_ **

 

 **lawlight:** Back off and let the _real_ detective solve this one, Saihara!

 **panic!everyday:** i

 **panic!everyday:** okay

 **lawlight:** I just finished binge watching another 100 episodes of Detective Conan, so this mystery is pretty straightforward if you ask me! _Clearly_ this is a case of love! For who else uses hearts in their typing as often as the one and only Angie Yonaga!

 **✨angel✨:** <3!!!!!! :3 :3 :3

 **lawlight:** My genius detective skills have made it crystal clear to me that this is the work of Angie making a move to claim her man! Specifically, this is aimed to combat the current harem system that our society is functioning on thanks to Tenko and Ouma

 **lawlight:** And it’s _so adorable_!!!! You guys have ended up being the rarepair I never knew I needed, but boy do I need it! So cute!  <3

 **✨angel✨:** shirogane is right on the money!!!!! $$$$

 **slenderman♡:** I saw no point in removing it after Yonaga-san went through the effort to steal my phone and change it late last night.

 **✨angel✨:** c( ͒˃̩̩⌂˂̩̩ ͒)੭ KOREKIYO!! angie THOUGHT we talked about this!!!

 **slenderman♡:** Oh goodness yes, I can’t believe I’d forgotten! My sincerest apologies, Angie-chan.

 **✨angel✨:** <3!!!!! :3 :3 :3

 **dabs ex machina:** id say gay but for once id be wrong and we cant have that

 **tsundon’t:** Don’t fool yourself, everything that comes out of your mouth is wrong.

 **AMarySue:** you know

 **AMarySue:** for all we joke about everyone in our class being gay only the Straights™ actually seem like theyre getting together

 **naibsel:** ...we just haven’t reached those story arcs yet...everyone just needs to be patient...

 **femmefatal:** wait,,, does this mean,,, Angie-chan is leaving Tenkos harem?!?!?!

 **femmefatal:** you cant leave TENKO for a BOY!!!

 **femmefatal:** THE WONDERFUL GIRL LOVE HAREM IS ONE ANGIE-CHAN,, YOU CANT JUST _LEAVE_

 **Wine Aunt™:** sorry to bust your nuts tenko but i was never into this harem thing either

 **Wine Aunt™:** harems are like the ultimate committed relationships and im not about that life

 **Wine Aunt™:** not to mention theres never any sexytimes payout with the harem bullshit

 **Wine Aunt™:** i prefer to let these girls run free with whatever sexy, sexy robotic man or woman catches their eyes

 **K11-B0:** UM

 **Wine Aunt™:** so _very_ robotic and sexy

 **Baethoven:** **@Wine Aunt™** (｡ì _ í｡)

 **femmefatal:** YOURE LEAVING TENKO TOO???

 **dabs ex machina:** HA! and you say your harem is _so_ superior but theyre dropping like flies!

 **dabs ex machina:** meanwhile ive still got my beloved saihara-chan and amami-chan!! <3

 **AMarySue:** eh sure

 **panic!everyday:** i’ve told you multiple times before that i’m not in your harem

 **panic!everyday:** also,,, well,,,

 **dabs ex machina:** E H ? whats this?

 **panic!everyday:** i’m kinda in the same boat as Momota-kun and Shinguuji-kun now, so it wouldn't be appropriate to say i’m in any harems at all

 **panic!everyday:** not that i ever wanted to be

 **panic!everyday:** because i didn’t

 **Baethoven:** I’ve told you before and I’ll say it again

 **Baethoven:** Back the fuck off bitch

 **dabs ex machina:** wait, is this,,,, _no_ you didnt,,,,

 **dabs ex machina:** (;﹏;) saihara-chan HOW COULD YOU

 **panic!everyday:** um

 **naibsel:**...so saihara finally got the courage...to ask akamatsu out…

 **naibsel:** ...i’m almost...impressed?...

 **panic!everyday:** oh no that was all Kaede-chan

 **panic!everyday:** i have the self confidence of a literal flea

 **femmefatal:** ONLY TENKO GETS TO CALL HER KAEDE-CHAN EMO BOY

 **femmefatal:** STEP BACK RIGHT NOW!

 **Baethoven:** Hey, there’s no need to be mean to Shuuichi-chan! I can still symbolically be in your harem if it makes you feel better, Tenko-san!

 **femmefatal:** BUT ITS NOT THE _SAME!!!_

 **dabs ex machina:** (;﹏;)

 **naibsel:**...looks like that’s another blow...to both harems…

 **naibsel:**...they really are taking some severe damage today…

 **naibsel:**...i hope the authors know what they’re doing here...

 **AMarySue:** uh yumeno? you do realize that we’re,, _real people_ ,, right??

 **naibsel:** ...debatable...

 **spacejam:** its kinda her thing now i think were just supposed to roll with it

 **lawlight:** Well it was about time! I’ve been shipping these two for as long as I have moonchild! I deserve some emotional payoff for all these feelings I’ve invested here!!

 **spacejam:** uh yeah about that shirogane

 **spacejam:** just because we actually got together doesnt make you shipping people any less creepy

 **spacejam:** i also have a chilling suspicion about what ‘friendfiction’ is but i dont want anything confirmed or denied for the sake my own peace of mind

 **tsundon’t:** I agree.

 **Gonta:** Actually, this was exactly what Gonta was wanting to talk about! Well, before everyone got distracted, that is…

 **spacejam:** damn even _gonta_ thinks youre creepy shirogane

 **Gonta:** Oh no, don’t misunderstand Gonta! He found it perhaps a bit odd at first, but after Shirogane-san explained what it was to him and Kiibo-kun, Gonta found that he enjoyed Shirogane-san’s dedication to the love between Gonta’s precious friends!

 **K11-B0:** I CAN CONFIRM THAT IT WAS VERY ODD, AND THE INTERNET RESEARCH I DID FOR FURTHER UNDERSTANDING LEAD ME TO SOME SCARY PLACES THAT AKAMATSU-SAN TOLD ME TO AVOID ENTIRELY, BUT OVERALL I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE SEEMS SO BOTHERED BY THE CONCEPT

 **Gonta:** After all, the way Gonta sees it, ‘shipping’ is just wanting the people you care about to be happy together! And Gonta wants nothing more than for his friends to be happy!

 **Baethoven:** Gonta and Kiibo...my precious sons...you two shine light on the darkest of corners...how anyone could not love you guys I can’t understand…

 **AMarySue:** when you put it that way its actually kinda sweet

 **panic!everyday:** okay but Shirogane-san’s shipping burnt down a roller coaster and got half of us banned from the only major theme park on the island for life

 **panic!everyday:** we almost went to _jail_

 **naibsel:**...that’s old plot saihara...i’m sure nothing like that’ll happen again...

 **naibsel:**  ...probably...

 **spacejam:** see what i mean

 **AMarySue:** ah

 **lawlight:** I told you not to think about it too much, Saihara. It’s not healthy for your blood pressure!

 **✨angel✨:** Kami-sama agrees  <3!! the best way to handle things that are bad is just to never think about them ever

 **panic!everyday:** _jail_ Shirogane-san, we nearly went to prison _i can’t survive prison!!!_

 **panic!everyday:** i’ve put away so,, many,, people,,

 **panic!everyday:** also i am still Very Weak nothing has changed on that front

 **spacejam:** dude we work out together all time, and not to mention youre clothes are _way_ more filled out these days

 **spacejam:** youve gotta be getting even a _little_ stronger

 **panic!everyday:** you have so much unfounded faith me

 **tsundon’t:** Calm down Saihara, you were fine. All those nasty criminals you put away can’t hurt you, so be quiet and let Gokuhara finish for Christ’s sake.

 **Baethoven:** Sorry, hun, but she’s kind of right

 **Wine Aunt™:** CUT DOWN BY YOUR OWN #1 MAIN SQUEEZE BEE _ATCH_

 **Real Mom** **™:** You are not helping. Please continue, Gokuhara-kun.

 **Gonta:** Right! So, this episode of _Go Go Insect Rangers!!_ had Beetle Ranger, the main character, spend time with his fellow ranger Katydid Ranger, and finished with them fighting off Killer Wasp together while the other girls in the Ranger squad were trapped in his nefarious trap!

 **K11-B0:** KILLER WASP IS VERY EVIL, SO IT WAS A CLOSE MATCH! BUT THEY WON IN THE END!

 **Wine Aunt™:** the fights were kickass thats for sure

 **Wine Aunt™:** good thing killer wasps aint real

 **Wine Aunt™:** those damn lil fuckers look terrifying as shit

 **Gonta:** U...Um, it seems Gonta must talk with Iruma-san later about something...

 **Wine Aunt™:** the fuck you mean

 **K11-B0:** BUT ANYWAY, AFTER THE EPISODE WE WERE ARGUING ON WHO BEETLE RANGER WAS GOING TO PICK FROM THE FEMALE RANGERS TO DATE AT THE END OF SEASON, BECAUSE HE IS THE PROTAGONIST AFTER ALL!

 **K11-B0:** THE PROTAGONIST IS ALWAYS THE ONE WITH THE HAREM OF POTENTIAL FEMALE LOVE INTERESTS IN TV SHOWS

 **AMarySue:** yeah public tvs pretty heteronormative like that

 **Wine Aunt™:** and we always joke and shit about tittymatsu being the protag of this class but lookie here!! does she have a harem? nope

 **Wine Aunt™:** which obvs means she aint no damn mc

 **Baethoven:** Hey! I _am_ the protagonist here, and I’d like to see you prove otherwise! Who else would be protagonist but me?

 **K11-B0:** UNFORTUNATELY AKAMATSU-SAN, I MUST AGREE WITH IRUMA-SAN. IF WE FOLLOW TV RULES, THEN EITHER OUMA-KUN OR CHABASHIRA-SAN IS THE MAIN CHARACTER OF OUR GROUP

 **K11-B0:** SINCE THEY ARE THE ONES WITH THE HAREMS

 **✨angel✨:** (ga-asp!!) have we been fooled by tricky advertising this entire time???? what a surprise!! ~buyer beware~

 **tsundon’t:** Who the fuck would make Ouma the main character of anything.

 **dabs ex machina:** i would make an awesome mc thank you very much

 **dabs ex machina:** im fucking adorable

 **slenderman♡:** I wasn’t aware adorable had a negative definition.

 **Wine Aunt™:** ASRLGBRIDBZLVVB !!!!

 **lawlight:** I don’t know, he does have that trickster personality and boyish but feminine appearance that could sell a lot of merch to fangirls

 **naibsel:** ...yeah...he would probably be the obnoxious fan favorite that everyone insists did nothing wrong...even though he did _everything_ wrong...

 **dabs ex machina:** excuse?? i have never done anything wrong in my life ever

 **✨angel✨:** angie knew that ouma was a liar but that was a BIG ONE!!

 **naibsel:**... anyway...tenko would sell merch too...after all shes pretty cute…

 **femmefatal:** HHIMIKO-CHAN CALLED TENKO CUTE?!?!?!?

 **femmefatal:**  σ(≧ε≦σ) **♡♡♡**

 **femmefatal:** TENKOS BODY IS TURNING VERY HOT VERY FAST,,, IS TENKO DYING FROM HAPPINESS BC IF SHE IS THEN THATS OKAY

 **spacejam:** eh lesbian freakouts aside i could see chabashira as mc i guess

 **Gonta:** Gonta disagrees! Although they are both very nice people, Gonta doesn’t think having a harem should make Chabashira-san or Ouma-kun the main character! Instead, Akamatsu-san loves everyone, so she _must_ be main character!

 **Baethoven:** At least Gonta has faith in me!

 **Wine Aunt™:** sorry big dick but oumas defs the main character

 **dabs ex machina:** oh ho ho?? since when were you on _my_ team??

 **Wine Aunt™:** hes the source of most of our problems and is also thirsty as fuck for any gay ass that comes his way

 **Wine Aunt™:** thats the base of every mc in these stupid harem shows

 **Wine Aunt™:** minus the gay part that is

 **Wine Aunt™:** sometimes

 **AMarySue:** when you put it that way then yeah oumas protag

 **dabs ex machina:** well that was just uncalled for

 **dabs ex machina:** still!! ill take any and loyal followers who are willing to obey orders!! ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ

 **K11-B0:** AGAIN, I MUST DISAGREE! CHABASHIRA-SAN HAS ALL THE MAKINGS OF A TRUE PROTAGONIST WITH HER POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND KUNG FU MOVES!

 **K11-B0:** NOT TO MENTION SHE HAS A SOLID SHOT WITH EVERY MEMBER OF HER HAREM. THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT IN TV ANIME!

 **dabs ex machina:** (;｀O´) i DO TOO have a shot with my harem!!

 **femmefatal:** shut up this isnt about you this is about TENKO

 **femmefatal:** and Tenko would LOVE to be the mc!! <3

 **femmefatal:** also Neo Aikido is NOT kung fu, but Tenko will forgive you just this once b/c youre arguing for her mc-ness

 **naibsel:**...team tenko all the way...

 **femmefatal:** <3<3<3!!!

 **Real Mom** **™:** Consider me convinced, I suppose. There is something to be said for adhering to the more classic of the genre tropes.

 **femmefatal:** <3<3<3!!!

 **femmefatal:** everyone on Team Tenko gets a heart!!! <3

 **spacejam:** like i said i can dig it

 **femmefatal:**... _fine_. you can get a heart too

 **femmefatal:** <3

 **spacejam:** hell yeah!!

 **spacejam:** what about you babe?

 **tsundon’t:** Team Akamatsu, easy.

 **tsundon’t:** I don’t really care if you still consider me part of your harem or not Chabashira, whatever keeps you from pestering me too much about it is fine by me. But you were part of the Shipping Squad so I couldn’t let myself side with you even if I wanted to. It’s nothing personal, I just would’ve murdered you with my bare hands last week if I’d been given the proper chance.

 **tsundon’t:** Comparatively, Akamatsu is the most tolerable person I know out of this mess of idiots, so clearly I’m on her side.

 **spacejam:** even me???

 **tsundon’t:** Is that even a question.

 **spacejam:** BABE

 **tsundon’t:** Don’t ask questions that you aren’t ready to know the answers to.

 **tsundon’t:** Also, because I haven’t said it in a while: fuck Ouma.

 **dabs ex machina:** at this point im not even offended i just kinda expect it

 **AMarySue:** she does have a shtick going here doesnt she

 **AMarySue:** but hey gonta whats your argument here bud

 **AMarySue:** lay out it out for us nonbelievers

 **Gonta:** Gonta would love to!

 **Gonta:** See, the problem with the other two is that Akamatsu-san is main character because of Western shows, not Japanese ones! Western protagonists don’t have a romance harem, they have a friend harem! Everyone loves them and wants to be their friend, and the same goes for Akamatsu-san!

 **Gonta:** Akamatsu-san doesn’t need to date everyone! She’s their friend instead, which is even better!

 **AMarySue:** i gotta say thats a better argument than i expected

 **lawlight:** No it’s not, he used Western shows as his base when they’re clearly inferior to anime

 **dabs ex machina:** ARE YOU LEAVING ME AGAIN AMAMI-CHAN????

 **AMarySue:** okay first off that never even happened weve been over this

 **AMarySue:** second. you still owe me more rainbow duct tape and im not going to let that go until you buy it

 **AMarySue:**  and third nah, im still team ouma but i can appreciate

 **slenderman♡:** Well consider me convinced. In academia the argument for your stance is what’s most important, and I agree with that philosophy. Even the best of starting positions are useless without a good backing argument for why they’re correct.

 **slenderman♡:** So count me on Team Akamatsu, as it were.

 **✨angel✨:** ~angie too!!!~

 **femmefatal:** WHAT

 **femmefatal:** but, but _Angie-chan_!! why arent you on TEAM TENKO????

 **femmefatal:** is it bc of Shinguuji? bc Tenko will get rid of any boy that gets between Tenko and her girls

 **femmefatal:** NO ONE WILL EVER FIND ALL YOUR PIECES TWIG MAN

 **spacejam:** WOAH WOAH WOAH

 **Wine Aunt™:** DO YOU REALLY THINK SHELL JOIN YOUR TEAM IF YOU KILL HER SIDE PIECE???

 **✨angel✨:** oh no~!!! dont be sad tenko, you’ll make angie sad too, and then Kami-sama will be sad, and then EVERYONE will be sad :(((((

 **femmefatal:** then _why_ ,, are you _not_ ,, _Team Tenko_ ,,

 **panic!everyday:** now who’s the emo one

 **naibsel:**...that’s still you...

 **✨angel✨:** weeeeeeell, angie’s on akamatsu’s team bc she agrees with gonta! this ““west”” place sounds _kinda_ like her homeland, so angie’s maybe a tiiiiiiiny bit biased 

 **K11-B0:** I WAS UNAWARE YOU WEREN’T JAPANESE, ANGIE-SAN. MY SENSORS HAVE NEVER DETECTED A SPECIFIC ACCENT FROM YOUR SPEECH PATTERNS THAT WAS OUTSIDE OF JAPAN

 **naibsel:** ...not to mention...our artstyle doesn't really differentiate between ethnicities...

 **✨angel✨:** thank you!!! :3

 **Baethoven:** So where are you actually from then?

 **✨angel✨:** oh angie is from a mythical and far-off island, cast off from the rest of the world for our strange customs and violent culture!!

 **✨angel✨:** we were soon forgotten by the rest of civilization, but under Kami-sama we thrived!! :3 :3 to this day we wait,, ready for the moment we can return and claim our rightful place of power,,

 **✨angel✨:** it’s just a matter of time!!!  >:3c

 **spacejam:** that is some spooky shit like wtf angie

 **AMarySue:** okay but

 **AMarySue:** that still doesnt answer the question

 **✨angel✨:** well after being forgotten for so long we’re known by only three letters...

 **✨angel✨:** ...the,,, _usa_...

 **panic!everyday:** the,,, united states,, of america,,

 **panic!everyday:** ,, it all makes sense now,,,

 **Wine Aunt™:** shit shes a fuckin american i shouldve known

 **panic!everyday:** the lowkey psychopathy,, mixed with a cheery nonchalance for destruction,, _it all makes sense,,,,_

 **Real Mom** **™:** And here I assumed this was obvious.

 **slenderman♡:** Apparently not.

 **tsundon’t:** She’s too good with a gun not to be. There’s a reason I’m willing to share a shooting range with her.

 **Baethoven:** Well, thank you for the support either way, Angie-san! You too Shinguuji-kun and Harukawa-san!

 **tsundon’t:** No problem Akamatsu.

 **panic!everyday:** i’m also Team Kaede of course

 **Baethoven:** Aw, thanks hun! <3

 **tsundon’t:** Someone’s desperate for love and affection.

 **panic!everyday:** all the time

 **panic!everyday:** just, uh, not in a weird way like Iruma-san

 **Wine Aunt™:** say that again to my face bitch

 **dabs ex machina:** dont worry babe ill always be here to give you all the affection you need!!

 **panic!everyday:** not in your harem anymore Ouma-kun

 **panic!everyday:** in fact, i still maintain that i never was

 **dabs ex machina:** oh yes you are~!!! ive just gotta be the mistress now instead of your main squeeze but hey, a supreme leaders gotta do what a supreme leaders gotta do

 **panic!everyday:** can we not

 **Baethoven:** There is a limited amount of people I would let be Shuuichi-chan’s mistress and you are not on the list

 **panic!everyday:** um wait hoLD ON 

 **panic!everyday:** WHAT

 **dabs ex machina:** well how do i _get_ on the list

 **Baethoven:** You don’t. The list is written by a panel of one, and the one is me

 **dabs ex machina:** i bet its because im a man!! i expect this type of racism from chabashira not you akamatsu

 **femmefatal:** excuse you

 **slenderman♡:** I feel calling yourself a “man” is perhaps too generous, Ouma-kun.

 **K11-B0:** HEY NOW, DO NOT DRAG DOWN THE GOOD NAME OF RACISM WITH YOUR SUBPAR EXAMPLE!!

 **naibsel:** ...since when has racism ever had a good name...

 **dabs ex machina:** i have point here dammit,, stop sidetracking me,,,

 **dabs ex machina:** basically guys can be mistresses too so put me on the list already!! i wont be denied my rightful place as saihara-chans mistress!!!

 **Baethoven:** I’m not saying they can’t be. I don’t care if Shuuichi-chan’s mistress is a boy or a girl or anything in-between, but they still have to be on the list. No list, no mistress, and you aren’t on it so you can’t be his mistress. End of story!

 **panic!everyday:** LIST??? as in there is MORE THAN ONE PERSON

 **panic!everyday:** i wha

 **panic!everyday:** wwhat

 **Baethoven:** Honestly Shuuichi-chan there’s no need to freak out, it’s just two people!

 **naibsel:** ...now i’m curious though...do _we_ know the people on the list…

 **Baethoven:** I mean, yeah, but it’s probably best if I didn’t tell you guys. I don’t want to embarrass them after all! Just know that Ouma is _definitely_ not one of them!

 **panic!everyday:** i,, i don’t know,,, if that’s meant to be reassuring or not,,,,

 **spacejam:** WAIT WTF

 **spacejam:**  DOES THAT MEAN THE MISTRESS LIST HAS OUR CLASSMATES ON IT????

 **Baethoven:** Well, duh. If he has a mistress it has to be someone I know and trust, and I don't trust anyone as much as I trust my friends!

 **spacejam:** DAMN akamatsu who knew you were into that shit

 **lawlight:** I know, right? I need to go edit my latest friendfiction immediately!

 **Wine Aunt™:** HEY NOW TITTYMATSU ORGIES ARE _MY_ THING

 **Wine Aunt™:** IF THERES A THREESOME GOING DOWN WITH TITTYMATSU I WANT IN

 **K11-B0:** WHAT IS A THREESOME?

 **Gonta:** Gonta does not know either. Perhaps you could look it up and inform us both, Kiibo-kun!

 **K11-B0:** HMM, IT APPEARS MORE OF THE HITS FOR THIS SEARCH ARE UNDER VIDEO...

 **Baethoven:** KIIBO SON NO DO NOT WATCH THAT

 **femmefatal:** Saihara you piece of SHIT!!!! are you _CHEATING_ ON KAEDE-CHAN?!?!?! SHE GAVE YOUR EMO ASS A CHANCE AND YOU DO _THIS_ TO HER

 **femmefatal:** TENKO IS GOING TO BEAT YOU INTO THE GROUND

 **Baethoven:** HOLD ON! Tenko-san calm down!!

 **panic!everyday:** I DON’T HAVE A MISTRESS AND IM NOT CHEATING ON HER I SWEAR WE _LITERALLY_ JUST STARTED DATING

 **✨angel✨:** okay, angie’s confused! is angie supposed to have a mistress too, or just wimpy wimp saihara??

 **slenderman♡:** Would you like one, Angie-chan? I am unsure who I would be okay with being your mistress, but if you have anyone in mind I’d like to at least request the chance to research them thoroughly beforehand.

 **slenderman♡:** _Very_ thoroughly.

 **✨angel✨:** oh no, angie’s happy just where she is!!! korekiyo gives the best cuddles and blood sacrifices after all <3

 **✨angel✨:** she just wasn’t sure if she was _supposed_ to have one or not

 **AMarySue:** dont stress over it angie i think youre safe as is

 **dabs ex machina:** mom! akamatsu wont let me be saihara-chans mistress like a _meanie_

 **Real Mom** **™:** I fail to see how I’m supposed to do anything about it.

 **dabs ex machina:** make her!! let me!! be saihara-chans mistress!!

 **Wine Aunt™:** uh NO mom make them let ME join in on their threesome!! ive been DYING for an orgie!!

 **dabs ex machina:** you cant die from being an orgie-less virgin it doesnt work that way!!

 **Wine Aunt™:** fuck you you know what i meant!!!!

 **Real Mom** **™:** I told you children to play nice now. I better see some good will between you two or there won’t be any orgies _or_ threesomes for anyone, ever.

 **tsundon’t:** I regret joining this conversation entirely. We have officially reached a new low and this is it.

 **spacejam:** hey babe do you have a mistress list for me 2

 **tsundon’t:** I don’t know Momota, is that you _asking_ for one?

 **spacejam:** NO NO NO

 **AMarySue:** wow im impressed. you couldnt have fucked that up worse if youd tried

 **spacejam:** BACK UP,, I AM BACKING UP,,,,

 **tsundon’t:** You know, that doesn’t sound very convincing if you ask me.

 **spacejam:** NO BABE CMON YOURE PERFECT

 **tsundon’t:** Oh really? Is that the best you can do?

 **spacejam:** I MEAN PLS DONT CUT OFF ALL MY TOES IN MY SLEEP I CANT AFFORD TO BUY ALL NEW SHOES

 **spacejam:** I MEAN YOURE THE HOTTEST GIRL I KNOW

 **spacejam:** I MEAN NO IM PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH YOU BABE I DONT NEED A MISTRESS AT ALL PLS BELIEVE ME!!!!

 **tsundon’t:** Hmm. I guess I can accept that.

 **AMarySue:** but harukawa never answered the actual question? like???

 **naibsel:**...it’s smart to point that out to the audience amami...after all...we need it for more plot points later...

 **spacejam:** SHUT UP SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU

 **spacejam:** I JUST FIXED IT DONT YOU RUIN THIS FOR ME

 **lawlight:** Aw!! Their first fight, documented here forever for us to look back on fondly after the magical moonlight wedding and their first four kids!!

 **spacejam:** our first

 **spacejam:** _four_

 **spacejam:** kids

 **spacejam:** how many kids are we talkin here,, like,,, in total

 **lawlight:** Well, since Harukawa is the SHSL Child Caregiver it's obvious that she'd want a full house! So, I would say maybe somewhere up in the double digits as a low estimate

 **tsundon’t:** Remember when I said that I didn’t think I would ever have a reason to hate you, Shirogane? I think we’ve made our way past hate and traveled into the hellish pits of _despise_.

 **Baethoven:** Yeah, uhm, Shirogane-san? Don’t you think that’s going a little, uh. Far?

 **lawlight:** You can never go too far for your ships, Akamatsu

 

 **_Just (Stop)_ ** _has come online._

 

 **Just (Stop):** I think all of you are missing the point here.

 **AMarySue:** well look at that hoshi swooping in to put down some wisdom

 **AMarySue:** drop those beats my man whatre we gonna learn today

 **✨angel✨:** hoshi is almost as wise as Kami-sama!! not _quite_ , b/c no one’s as awesome as Kami-sama is, but pretty close!!

 **naibsel:**...we were getting off topic...i think...if we even had one at all...

 **Gonta:** We did, Yumeno-san! It was Gonta’s poll on who is the protagonist of our group!

 **Gonta:** But it seems all of Gonta’s friends still can not agree...

 **Just (Stop):** Exactly. Because all of you are wrong.

 **Gonta:** Eh?

 **Wine Aunt™:** eh?

 **K11-B0:** EH?

 **Gonta:** Gonta does not understand Hoshi-kun. Is there a better contender for main character than Akamatsu-san?

 **Wine Aunt™:** uhm _no_ i already told you cocksuckers oumas the mc

 **K11-B0:** INCORRECT! CHABASHIRA-SAN _MUST_ BE PROTAGONIST!

 **femmefatal:** exactly! even the boy-looking robot can tell Tenko is kick butt protag worthy!

 **dabs ex machina:** dont kid yourself i am clearly the ideal mc to rule over you all

 **dabs ex machina:**  its _literally_ my talent

 **Baethoven:** Protagonists do not _rule_ over their friends! They support and love them in bonds of true friendship!!!!

 **Just (Stop):** This is exactly my point right here.

 **Just (Stop):** All these choices are wrong. None of you are the protagonist.

 **Wine Aunt™:** then just who the fuck is

 **Just (Stop):** Me.

 **dabs ex machina:** ha! THATS your genius argument? what a joke

 **naibsel:**...i don’t know...i’m pretty convinced...

 **naibsel:** ...he makes a good argument after all...

 **dabs ex machina:** do you have a eyes

 **dabs ex machina:** there was no argument he just declared himself mc with no evidence as to why

 **dabs ex machina:** akamatsu and chabashira may not be worthy competitors to my rightful title but at least they had barebones reasons for trying to challenge me in the first place

 **AMarySue:** idk theres something to be said for simplicity

 **AMarySue:** i could see it

 **dabs ex machina:** what

 **lawlight:** Yeah, I mean if this was an angsty redemption story then Hoshi would definitely be our protagonist. No one else has the same angst-level on their backstory as he does, so the potential for future character development is almost endless!

 **tsundon’t:** I’d read that.

 **dabs ex machina:** redemption story??? were all still in HIGH SCHOOL what the hell is he even redeeming??

 **✨angel✨:** preach it!! hoshi could even have Kami-sama save his soul in the end!!! it’d be great!!

 **slenderman♡:** Redemption is a classic and accessible theme seen used universally, in stories across all cultures. Something as basic as age is hardly a factor worthy of preventing this from being one as well.

 **dabs ex machina:** are you people even reading what youre typing??? hoshis way too abnormally short to even be CONSIDERED as potential mc material

 **femmefatal:** says the actual child

 **femmefatal:** and if Himiko-chan supports weirdly cool boy Hoshi then Tenko supposes she can too

 **dabs ex machina:** why the fuck are you giving in here i thought you wanted to be mc

 **dabs ex machina:** not that youre worthy of it but still

 **femmefatal:** bc Tenkos loyal to her harem in all ways, especially Himiko-chan, which is why they all love her so much

 **femmefatal:** really you could learn a thing or 2 from Tenko

 **panic!everyday:** um, Kaede-chan? what do you think?

 **Baethoven:** ...Well, I’ve been sitting here trying to come up with a good reason to say Hoshi-kun’s not the protagonist of our group, but I’m honestly at a loss here. There’s no good reason for him to _not_ be the protagonist, so why not?

 **Baethoven:** Yeah, sure, consider me on board with this. Hoshi-kun for protagonist!

 **panic!everyday:** welp

 **panic!everyday:** guess i’m switching sides too if my candidate is willingly dropping out

 **spacejam:** same bro

 **dabs ex machina:** stop being sheep to hoshi youre supposed to sheep to me!!! IM the dictator here!!!

 **K11-B0:** WHILE THAT IS TRUE OUMA-KUN, YOU ARE NOT THE PROTAGONIST. APPARENTLY WE ARE NOW ALL AGREEING THAT THAT TITLE BELONGS TO HOSHI-KUN?

 **Gonta:** Gonta believes we are!

 **Gonta:** Hoshi-kun is almost as friendly as Akamatsu-san, so Gonta must agree that he would also make a great protagonist!

 **dabs ex machina:** WHAT UNIVERSE ARE YOU LIVING IN WHERE HOSHI IS _‘‘FRIENDLY_ ,,

 **Gonta:** Please do not speak so rudely about our protagonist, Ouma-kun!

 **Real Mom** **™:** Do tell me if you need any assistance with your new role in the group, Hoshi-kun. I am here to help you in every way possible.

 **Just (Stop):** Sure thing.

 **Wine Aunt™:** eh fuck it. let hoshi have the damn job

 **dabs ex machina:** the hell iruma youre supposed to be sponsoring my campaign here

 **dabs ex machina:** if im the mc then the story dictates i MUST succeed in my plans for world domination!!! ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ

 **lawlight:** Oh honey, that’s not it works in anime

 **lawlight:** More often than not you just end up sad, dead, and alone, in that order. Haven’t you ever seen Death Note? Code Geass? It’s practically a trope in of itself at this point!

 **naibsel:** ...careful with all these death note spoilers shirogane...somehow our readers haven't all seen it yet...even though it came out in 2006...

 **dabs ex machina:** stop derailing my argument with FACTS!!!

 **tsundon’t:** Stop kidding yourself. Hoshi’s managed to sway us all without breaking a sweat. That’s better proof than just about anything else.

 **naibsel:** ...with just five lines of dialogue too...he really _is_ convincing…

 **Baethoven:** A true protagonist can get all their friends to agree through pure force of their bonds of friendship! I’m glad to see you’re living up to the title, Hoshi-kun!

 **Just (Stop):** I try.

 **dabs ex machina:** no!!! no you DIDNT!! you literally expended 0 effort whatsoever and yet every1 here is just magically on board

 **dabs ex machina:** how,, did you,, beat me,,,,

 **Just (Stop):** Because I’m the main character.

 **dabs ex machina:** AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!

 **naibsel:**...just face it ouma...the authors won’t let you win because...well...you’re you…

 **spacejam:** what she said

 **spacejam:** i think. i dont actually know what she meant there but im pretty sure it was a total burn so

 **AMarySue:** sorry babe but its better to just give in

 **dabs ex machina:** ಠ╭╮ಠ

 **femmefatal:** Tenko usually doesnt give a shit about Ouma and his stupid boy harem bc why would anyone want BOYS tainting their harem

 **dabs ex machina:** what a supportive intro there

 **femmefatal:** but remember what Tenko said about being a loyal harem leader? the harems are already on weak footing, Tenko doesnt think someone in your position has the luxury of denying your harem members when you have so few left

 **panic!everyday:** the only one he has left is Amami-kun though? i mean maybe Gonta-kun and Kiibo-kun but if he actually made a move on either of them but then Kaede-chan would break off his own leg and kick his ass with it

 **Baethoven:** Got that right

 **femmefatal:** basically its no fun for Tenko to diss the gross boy harem if theres no gross boys in it to diss

 **dabs ex machina:** but the harem is supposed to follow _me_

 **dabs ex machina:** _im_ the mutual love interest here!!!

 **femmefatal:** and THIS is why girl love harem is best harem

 **dabs ex machina:** …

 **slenderman♡:** Chabashira-san’s point is rather solid. I would suggest you just admit defeat, Ouma-kun.

 **dabs ex machina:** …

 **AMarySue:** cmon babe

 **AMarySue:** give it up already

 **dabs ex machina:**...

 **dabs ex machina:** FINE. hoshi for mc or whatever

 **Just (Stop):** Hmm. Looks like that’s it. That’s everyone for Team Hoshi.

 **Just (Stop):** Heh. All according to keikaku.

 **lawlight:** “Keikaku” means plan!

 **Just (Stop):** Exactly.

 

 

 

 

 **_Real Mom_** ** _™_ ** _changed their username to_ **_Maid to Serve._ **

 

 **AMarySue:** aw

 **AMarySue:** but it was so fitting for you toujs

 **Maid to Serve:** Hush, and go eat your fruits and vegetables like we spoke about. I know you haven’t touched anything aside from the avocados.

 **AMarySue:** yes mom :(

**Author's Note:**

> It's been brought to my attention that some of these parts may have unintentional parallels to V3 spoilers in them, but this is a **SPOILER FREE ZONE** (except for in Death Note apperently, whoops). We haven't had a problem with this, but any comments that contain blatant spoilers _will_ be deleted, no questions asked! This isn't anything personal y'all, but we want to be sure that no one gets spoiled on what happens in the game if they decide to read through the comment section. It's not fun to have plot spoiled if you didn't want to know yet.  
>  — Illmerica


End file.
